A Smoker Who Doesn't Smoke

I submit for the purposes of this post the following definitions (all of which I consider debatable).  A non-smoker is someone who does not smoke, has never smoked regularly and is not addicted to tobacco.  An ex-smoker is someone who used to smoke and had quit smoking for good, their addiction to tobacco being debatable.  And, finally, there are the two types of smokers; smokers who smoke and smokers who do not smoke, both having an addiction to tobacco.  I also submit for debate that once you have been a smoker you can never be a non-smoker.

One year ago today, on Independence Day, I stopped using tobacco.  As I celebrate Independence Day this year I am reflecting on my own independence from tobacco.  Today I am asking myself, “I have been tobacco free for 1 year but am I really free from tobacco? Will I ever truly be independent from tobacco?”

I have struggled with tobacco use off and on for a number of years.  Many times, for many reasons and for different lengths of time, I have sworn off tobacco for good, only to reengage in the behavior at a moments notice.  I have literally thrown a pack of cigarettes out the car window and then stopped at the very next convenience store to purchase a new pack; running to the car, anxiously lighting up and taking that first drag while thanking the tobacco gods that my fleeting moment of insanity passed by so quickly.

Today, I am a smoker who doesn’t smoke.  The last time I quit for this long I thought of myself as an ex-smoker.  My theory back then was that I could never be a non-smoker, only an ex-smoker but today even this mantra no longer holds credibility for me because I have gone back to tobacco use so many times.  Saying I am an ex-smoker has too much finality in it for me now. 

I have quit and started tobacco use so many times in my life that I can only say that today, I choose to not smoke.  It is the addiction to tobacco that never seems to go away for me.  It is like my brain will always send out the signals for the cravings and I will always have to fight to stay tobacco free.

I absolutely love to smoke.  It is difficult to explain and even more difficult to defend.  There are countless reasons to not smoke.   I have tried several iterations in this post to describe how I feel about smoking and all of them failed.  I have thrown away so many descriptions and detailed accounts that I just about shut my laptop down in frustration when I recalled a story.

A while back I was talking to a friend who lost his Dad to Lung Cancer.  His Dad had been a smoker for many years and was now paying the ultimate price for his addiction.  My friend relayed a story to me about his Dad’s last few days that I will never forget.  I have to paraphrase here a little bit, but I think I am pretty accurate in this retelling.

My friend has two daughters who were teenagers when their Grandfather was dying.  One day they were visiting their Grandfather at the hospital and he decided to have a talk with them about smoking.  He made them both promise to never smoke.  He said things like “I will not be able to be at your weddings, because I decided to smoke” and “I will never meet your children because I decided to smoke.” “So”, he continued, “you have to promise me you will never smoke.” Both of his Granddaughters nodded their heads and said “Yes Grandpa, we promise to never smoke.”

Shortly after the conversation, the girls left the room and my friend was alone with his Dad.  His Dad said to him “I did that for your benefit, I enjoyed every damn one of those things I ever smoked!”

That is exactly how I feel about smoking.  Even though I knew the risks, I enjoyed every damn one of those things I ever smoked.

Maybe you are now asking what my “proof reader” just asked.  “Why did you quit?”  The first thing out of my mouth was “I don’t know…”  There are all the obvious reasons to quit smoking and it would be easy to sit here and list them but you already know them.  In short, when it comes down to it, I would have to say this is a contest to see if my will to protect my health and well being can out play my addiction to tobacco.  I find myself at a place in life where I am up for the fight.

I have made a few generalizations about smokers in this posting, particularly about those of us that have quit or are trying to quit. Before I get all sorts of feedback pointing this out let me disclaim that I am truly sensitive to the fact that all of us fellow quitters are of different dispositions and quitting smoking, I am sure, becomes a very personal experience for each individual who has fought it.  Not everyone that has put a cigarette to their lips has experienced smoking in the same way I have and I am sure there are many out there that have quit for good and would call themselves a non-smoker.

My experience is what it is.  My views on the subject have changed over the years and I have formulated opinions based on first hand experience.  Those opinions have changed over time.  I expect them to evolve and change this time too.

As a very good College friend said to me many years ago, “You quit every time you put one out.”  The last time I put one out was one year ago and I am excited to find out if it will remain the last one.  We shall see.  Maybe even I will be a non-smoker some day.